Sitting With the Reality of Death: Impermanence and My First Meditation Retreat Experience (Part 2)

A blog in two parts by Buhlebenkosi Chinhara

So What Is Death?

I would be lying if I said I now have a 100% solid appreciation and understanding of what death is from a spiritual perspective, but contemplation of the second of the ‘four thoughts that turn the mind from samsara’ helps to better understand it.

In Buddhism, these four thoughts are:

1. Thinking about the preciousness of a human birth.

2. Thinking about impermanence.

3. Thinking about karma: cause and effect.

4. Thinking about the disadvantages of samsara (the endless cycle of birth, aging, sickness and death), and the suffering it entails.

The second of these thoughts refers to the reality that nothing in this existence is constant and nothing will last. Dave gave us some examples of things that may, at face value, seem unchanging; however, as each moment passes away, so do these things, at least in the ways they existed in that moment.

For example, one could look at the huge granite boulders that make up Susurumba and its surrounding peaks and assume that from one second to another, they haven’t undergone any change; they are the same boulders that they were just a moment ago. This observation would, however, be inaccurate. In any given moment those seemingly solid rocks are subject to the elements and are slowly being weathered and transformed in ways that won’t be perceived in an instant, but will be very noticeable after hundreds or thousands of years. We as humans also tend to view ourselves through narrow snapshots of time and can thus delude ourselves into believing that there is a continuous ‘me’. A ‘me’ that, yes, experiences changes here and there, but is fundamentally the same person.

The hard truth to contend with is that each moment that passes is, in reality, a form of death. Prior conditions have passed away and that moment is gone, never to return. These constant little deaths should be reminders that we too, will one day pass away. It will happen in an instant, and just like the change that is inherent in all things, it is guaranteed.

What Death (And De-centering Self) Can Teach Us About Life

Though  the ideas of the illusory ‘I’ existing and death being something to heed were not necessarily new to me going into the retreat, the frequent meditation, teachings, and discussions there made me  finally start to feel their truth in a visceral, rather than conceptual, way. I believe there were a combination of conditions that brought this about. While meditation helped us to better see the nature of the thinking mind and its self-centeredness, we also engaged in practices that helped us to lovingly turn our thoughts towards others. We would repeat thew four limitless contemplations before each meditation session — 

‘May all beings be happy and create the causes of happiness. May they all be free from suffering and from creating the causes of suffering. May they attain that sacred happiness which can never be tainted by suffering. May they experience universal, impartial compassion free of attachment to loved ones and aversion to others.’

 — and after each session, we would also dedicate the merit of our practice to all beings. In our discussions, whenever we showed thinking that arose from self-centeredness, Dave would gently remind us that our ‘me’ was what was causing our strife, and we always circled back to contemplation of our deaths. Through all this and the physical isolation from the drama of our regular lives, the retreat environment really allowed me to stop dwelling on my petty life dramas and, in turn, slowly start to work on the thinking mind that conjures up the ‘me’ that is so afraid to die or experience loss.

Through thinking of others and remembering that death is imminent, I felt my priorities slowly begin to shift. I found myself feeling more compassion than disdain for the people I have had challenging relationships with; I felt a sense of calm about the stressors and responsibilities I face in my day-to-day life; I let myself feel and lean into the anxiety I feel around the death of my loved ones and I finally started to cultivate some acceptance around it all. When the preciousness of human existence is front-of-mind, what’s unimportant or unhelpful falls away. Maintaining that perspective helps to live a more conscientious life that benefits others, and in turn, benefits oneself.

In Conclusion

Since returning from the retreat, I’ve found myself, at times, getting swept up in the dramas of life again and sometimes losing that peace and clarity I felt in the mountains. Something is undeniably different now. I feel a greater capacity to catch myself when I’m becoming all-consumed by mental chatter and I’m finally able to ground myself in the reality of impermanence with less fear, and more compassion for myself and others. I’ve adopted a daily meditation practice which reminds me that I am not my thinking mind and it has already done wonders for my mood and general outlook on life. There’s so much more to say about the teachings and the amazing people I met there, but to keep an already too-long story short, all I can say is that I absolutely cannot wait to go on retreat again.